Figured I would post these so I can refer potential suitors to them with ease. I figure I will take them down when my last daughter is 25…..
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up. If you forget this rule and honk, leave immediately when you remember it; you may still have time to get away…if you’re lucky and the rifle I grab is not zeroed.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes, hands or any other part of your anatomy off of my daughter’s body, I will remove the offending part(s) with the instrument of my choosing. This will probably be a hand grinder or a wood chipper.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. If you come to my door dressed in such a manner I will sic my dogs on you. Further dating will not be one of your concerns. Medical care, stitches, rabies and tetanus shots will be at the top of your list.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you much faster than AIDS (it will still take a couple of days).
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.” If, however, you’d like pointers on long distance sniping, room entry techniques, how to choose the best handgun, assault rifle or explosive for a given situation or how to kill a man with your bare hands, then feel free to strike up a conversation.
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. I am a computer expert and what I do to you will torture you for years.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car, cleaning my guns, sharpening my knives, or polishing my military decorations? Alternatively, you could just leave and call the whole date off.
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Hockey games are okay. Church events are better.
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless deity of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. See Rule Ten.
Always keep in mind that I have access to my family’s land with hundreds of acres out in the middle of nowhere, full of coyotes and rattlesnakes. I have a large gun collection (some might call it an “arsenal”). I also have access to tractors with backhoe attachments and access to hogs with a terrible appetite. If I decide to make you disappear, you will never, ever, ever be found and no one will hear your screams when the coyotes or hogs start gnawing hunks off of you. Well, no one that cares anyway. I am sure a few head of cattle or the prairie dogs or a kangaroo mouse will hear…